A holiday guest post by Justin Robinson, author of Mr Blank
Okay, so it’s Christmas, and you’re trying to come up with a way to pass the hours between opening presents and Christmas dinner without clubbing your brother with something heavy. This calls for a Christmas movie, either one of the many showings of It’s a Wonderful Life, or possibly TNT’s all-day marathon of A Christmas Story. We all know what these classics teach us, but did you know there are other Christmas movies that are like getting shot in the face with a double-barreled awesome cannon? Those movies teach lessons, too, so pick the one most appropriate for your family!
Die Hard: Everyone knows Die Hard is the greatest Christmas movie of all time. John McClane kills a bunch of ’80s euro-trash whose convoluted plan is to pass off a robbery as a dastardly act of international terrorism. It’s like stealing a pie off someone’s windowsill by murdering everyone in the neighborhood.
Timeless Lesson: If you don’t come home for the holidays, your wife will be killed by terrorists.
Lethal Weapon: Murtaugh might be too old for this shit, but we’re just the right age! The perfect ’80s buddy cop film featuring a mismatched duo of public servants. Plus, nothing beats Mel Gibson and Gary Busey in a deathmatch over who can be more convincingly insane.
Timeless Lesson: The most effective suicide prevention treatment is the systematic murder of an entire drug cartel.
Gremlins: Dad needs to buy his son Billy the perfect gift, and wouldn’t you know it, he finds a Furby ten years before they’re even invented. Problem is, these things are seriously defective and spawn a legion of hilariously murderous snot-green monsters.
Timeless Lesson: Read the instructions on your gifts. Follow them to the letter.
Better Off Dead: Someone has dumped John Cusack. Quick, every girl who came of age in the ’80s! Go comfort him! You’d never dump John Cusack. He’s far too soulful and adorable. Eventually, he finds himself one of the greatest movie girlfriends of all time, and beats a guy named Stalin at skiing.
Timeless Lesson: Just pay the two dollars already.
Cobra: Stallone is mad about something, but I don’t know what because it’s Stallone and no one ever taught him how to talk. He’s... doing stuff, I guess. Mostly shooting presumably bad guys with a laser-sighted pistol that’s bigger than most small breeds of dog. Christmas is only acknowledged by a single small tree on someone’s desk.
Timeless Lesson: Guurrr thrhh hraaah
Prometheus: A group of “scientists” who seem to have only a passing acquaintance with their apparent areas of expertise go off into space and get themselves killed in hilarious and easily-preventable ways.
Timeless Lesson: A degree from the University of Phoenix does not qualify you to explore Lovecraftian alien ruins.
Doubt: Meryl Streep is pretty sure Philip Seymour Hoffman molested a kid, but mostly because he’s a weird creep. She spends all her spare time trying to get him defrocked, which is what started all this business in the beginning.
Timeless Lesson: Philip Seymour Hoffman is a weird creep.
The Box: Richard Kelly has a nervous breakdown in script form. A whole bunch of stuff happens involving aliens, the 1970s, and Britta from Community. None of it makes a lick of sense.
Timeless Lesson: If a guy shows up with half his face missing, listen to that man. He is not kidding around.
One of those has to speak to your family. So sit down in front of one of these Christmas classics and enjoy!
About the Author: Much like film noir, Justin Robinson was born and raised in Los Angeles. He splits his time between editing comic books, writing prose and wondering what that disgusting smell is. Degrees in Anthropology and History prepared him for unemployment, but an obsession with horror fiction and a laundry list of phobias provided a more attractive option.
Where to Buy: From the publisher (where all eBooks are DRM-free and all paperbacks come with a free digital copy): http://www.candlemarkandgleam.com/shop/mr-blank
Barnes & Noble: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/mr-blank-justin-robinson/1110389202?ean=9781936460366